Baby T is currently 15 months old. Yet I still cannot believe that I am a mom. I, Tricia Jones, am a mom. At first I thought this was just a phase that would pass. That I would wake up one day and completely believe that I was always going to be a mother to this amazing little girl. But it hasn’t happened yet. A small part of me feels like I am in a dream. Like I am going to wake up one morning and Baby T will have never existed.
Dreaming is something I do every night and most nights I remember them. I have dreamed about Baby T since I was about 12 years old. Both her first name and middle name I dreamed about at different times in my life. She appeared in many of my dreams as a little girl with dark curly hair running, at least I believe they were of her. This is such a strange feeling to have as a mom. I watch her run around and think she will run through a door and poof, I’ll wake up.
I think that being a nanny/childcare provider has a huge part in feeling like this. Watching a child for a whole day and then their parents picking them up has been part of my life routine for the last 6 years. Baby T grew inside of me, we shared blood and food. I gave birth to her without medication, yet sometimes I feel like I’m living in an alternate reality. Sometimes I feel like a parent is going to come pick her up.
It has always been a dream of mine to be a mom. I completely fell in love with Baby T before she was even conceived. This strange feeling did not come from not wanting her or not wanting to be a mom. I think it comes from a place of fear. A fear of losing her. I thank God for Baby T every single day. One day God will take this feeling away and I will have no doubt that I am a mom, for the rest of my life.